Keep It Simple

 “Let’s not louse this thing up. Let’s keep it simple.”

While cleaning in the kitchen I ran across a half-emptied “nip” (50 mL bottle) of vodka. I had used the first half of the bottle a few months ago, which was a little over a year in sobriety, to create an effect on some cookies which, as an aside, were fun but not necessarily worth repeating. Check ’em out… you decide. Anyways, I held the bottle in my hand for a spell turning it over, dusting it off, staring intently and trying to elicit some sort of response.  I experienced something for which I simply cannot nail down a description outside of confusion.

I felt like I was supposed to be in danger, like I was supposed to be awash in a flood of memories, inexorable cravings, maddening , aching thirst for some release from imbibition. This is what has been drilled into me after 18+ months of counseling and 16+ months of AA; always be vigilant, on the lookout for looming triggers, never become complacent, know that my addiction is outside waiting for me doing push-ups, becoming stronger, yearning to have me back in its grasp squeezing the life from me.

I don’t feel these things. I feel great pride (not smugness), great satisfaction (not complacency), and great responsibility (not victimization). I feel strong, I feel well, I feel whole. It is with the nearly indescribable help, for which I will always be grateful, that I received from AA and counseling (which, in my case, has a heavy lean towards AA) that I am where I am in my sobriety. All the information presented in all forms (I have an extensive, sordid past of rehab, counseling, AA and jail) was listened to but not always heard. When I was ready to make a change, when I was ready to shift successfully into sobriety I began to hear and to practice; mind you, with a open but discerning mind. I decided to make a choice. I chose sobriety.

Much of the self-help material that I have delved into is information that is fairly close to common sense and not difficult to wrap my head around. Depending on the presentation, the method of delivery, I find that the same information presented by two different vehicles can resonate with me differently. However, the simple premise of my understanding is this – my life is a series of choices. Where I am today, everything I have, everything I know has been a product of one decision made after the next. I am a victim in nothing and things do not happen to me but instead are there manifestations of my choices or simply things I have done to myself.

On most occasions I can speak openly, passionately and at great length (if given the floor and sets of eyes that do not roll) about my former substance abuse. Such was the case last night when, while in attendance at a holiday gala (I love that word), I enjoyed dialogue with a physician about alcoholism. As a conditioned response I referred to alcoholism as a disease. I flinched. I am not sold on the idea that it is and, in my head, I ride the fence.There are reams of information that one can find that support either side of an argument over whether alcoholism should be called a disease and frankly, I don’t care. This is what I know, I am not a victim and I have and continue to make the choices that are necessary for me to live a happy, healthy life of self-awareness.

Self-awareness, looking into a metaphorical mirror has allowed me accept many teachings. It has allowed me to learn, critically, of myself and what has led me to make destructive decisions in the past. That education has allowed me to move forward armed with the knowledge that best puts me in the position to succeed: I may fail but I will fail forward.

There will be setbacks, trials and tribulations; there will be heartache, sorrow and loss; there will be anxiousness, anger and fear but with my mindset, with my mirror, with my ability to recognize the power that I have within I can move forward, fail forward and live my life closer to my potential than ever before.

With no small amount of irony I must attribute the above quote to Bill Wilson as he visited Dr. Bob right before he died.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Keep It Simple

  1. I know the feeling Glen… My wife keeps alcohol in the house. She wasn’t going to at first, but I told her I was the one who can’t drink, not her.Anyway, I sometimes pick up a bottle, open it and smell it… It doesn’t turn me into a lunatic… Booze smells pretty repulsive to me now…

    A few months ago while we were out for dinner I picked up my water and took a drink, but it wasn’t my water… I twas some clear mixed drink of some sort that my wife sat on the table. I spit most of it out but accidentally swallowed some… It sucked, and I didn’t want more. I think, if the desire to quit is there, a time comes where alcohol has no power anymore…

    1. I’m glad you understand and can relate, John. It’s a funny thing, addiction, and I certainly can’t say that my experience applies to anyone else but I am happy that I have grown to be where I am now. For whatever it is worth, I am sincerely happy that you are where you are as well. I am also very happy that you take the time to relate bits of your story. You are a kind man and I look forward to maintaining a growing relationship. Be well good, Sir.

  2. ” I feel great pride (not smugness), great satisfaction (not complacency), and great responsibility (not victimization). I feel strong, I feel well, I feel whole” I get this here. We are often told to be that vigilant person, to not feel too confident, to be on our watch, to watch for any sort of slippage or “trigger” (I am not a fan of the word…lol). But I like what you said quoted above – I can have that great satisfaction in being whole and being aware. We don’t get well living in fear of relapse or fear of being around alcohol or fear of fear. It’s a great balance, of course – complacency vs action, etc. and I do have to be aware of it, but it doesn’t have to consume my life. I am sober because I want to live life, not to just be sober…if that makes any sense. My sobriety is so that I can move forward in life, and not just sit in sobriety and stay static! And you get this, and I like what you wrote here.

    thank you for this – wonderful stuff.

    Paul

    P.S I think finding that nip of wee booze was a good thing – a good chance to see if that fear and panic would arise…and it didn’t. That means something has shifted, yes?

    1. Paul,
      To begin I would like to write thank you for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. You share very well the thoughts the I can struggle to put into words. I appreciate your message and delivery.
      In response to the idea of a having experienced a shift or rather living within a shift I concede that that is something that has and always seems to be occurring. I made a shift on a good number of levels in order to find sobriety, which wasn’t trying to hide itself from me, and am seemingly always in a healthy state of flux; learning every day, at least a little, about myself and the world around me with clear eyes, mind and heart. The shift was endured is now being earned and will forever be enjoyed.
      Thank you for your time Paul.

      Glenn

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s